Is a friend someone we just met? Someone who is in our class (even though they don’t speak to us!)? Someone we met a long time ago? Someone we used to play with or hang out with but no longer see? Someone our sibling is friends with? Someone we play on-line video games with but have never spoken to? Knowing our clients’ definitions of “friend” is often a great place to start when supporting them to develop friendships.
So, what is a “friend”? According to Natalie Madorsky Elman, Ph.D and Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D. (The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends), there are 3 kinds of friends: acquaintances, friends, and close friends.
Acquaintances are people you have met, know casually but have not really spent a great deal of time with; however you feel they are nice, and would be someone to get to know better and possibly be friends with.
A friend is someone you know better than an acquaintance, may occasionally spend time with, and have some things in common with.
A close friend is someone you have probably known for a long time, enjoy spending time with more than other people, have spent a lot of time with, and have been to one another’s homes.
Based on a post that was written by Marc Chernoff (15 Things Real Friends Do Differently, Marc and Angel Hack Life: Practical Tips for Productive Living, http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/04/23/15-things-real-friends-do-differently/), these are things that “real friends” do differently:
1. Face problems together
2. Give what they can to each other because they care; have a ‘give and take’ relationship
3. Make time for each other because they want to spend time together
4. Offer each other freedom to do things on their own
5. Communicate effectively with one another to be able to discuss things that could be a part of the relationship: both positives and negatives
6. Accept each other for who they are; they do not change who they are or expect anyone else to change
7. Be genuine with one another; be honest, open, and aware of each other’s feelings; do not lie or cheat
8. Compromise with one another
9. Support each other through changes in your interests, lives, etc.
10. Believe in one another by supporting each other: dreams, hobbies, etc. Encourage one another
11. Have realistic expectations of their relationship
12. Honor each other through kindness and gratitude
13. Listen to one another
14. Keep promises
15. Stick around for each other
Steven E. Gutstein and Rachel K. Sheely (Relationship Development Intervention with Children, Adolescents, and Adults: Social and Emotional Development Activities for Asperger Syndrome, Autism, PDD and NLD) stated that good friends:
Ø Demonstrate happiness when they see one another
Ø Are able to make one another smile and laugh
Ø Enjoy playing the same things
Ø Do not try to boss or control each other
Ø Play fairly without cheating
Ø Stay engaged in activities rather than walking away
Ø Demonstrate that people in general are more important than things
Ø Place their friendship above having to win or get their own way
How does your child define “friend”? Look for our upcoming blogs about friendships!
Carol A. Walck, MS, CCC-SLP