What are some important things for people to keep in mind when making a friend or friends? While it is not recommended that people make a checklist to use when socializing, it is helpful to really put thought into what we value in a friend so we can make appropriate choices. Sometimes people will attempt to be friends with others with whom they have nothing in common; who have different values; who are not interested in reciprocating; who even ridicule attempts at friendships. It is important to recognize what we want in a friend and be able to read the social situations in order to choose acquaintances that could possibly become friends. Being aware of what others do to be successful socially can also help us learn to interact with others. We must be careful however, that that we are focusing on what is actually supporting that success rather than something that is irrelevant, such as the clothes someone wears or the fact that they are funny.
Some things to consider when making acquaintances and friends:
Ø What are the interests of others and are they similar to some of our own? We do not need to have every interest in common but some commonalities are an important start.
Ø What other characteristics are important to consider?
o Academic skills?
o Sense of humor?
o Sportsmanship?
o Kindness?
o Popularity?
o Trustworthiness?
o Respect?
o Religion?
o Appearance?
Ø Do we show interest in making friends?
o Do we use body language including eye gaze/contact to show others that we are interested in them as possible friends?
o Do we maintain appropriate body distance? Do we respect personal boundaries?
o Do we make time for others or do we spend most of our time doing things on our own like playing video games, reading, watching TV or movies, or drawing?
Ø Does our facial expression match the tone of the interactions? Does our tone of voice match the interaction?
Ø Do we recognize what the body language, including facial expression, of others demonstrates when we are interacting? Do we understand what their tone of voice indicates?
Ø Do we show interest in others and finding out more about them through our interactions or do we just focus on our own background, interests and accomplishments?
Ø Do we use a positive attitude toward others or do we have a negative attitude/ make negative comments? Do we support others or do we ridicule them? Do we compliment others?
Ø Does our language reflect the conversation and the situation?
o Do we stay on topic and make reasonable topic transitions so others can follow our conversational input?
o Do we really listen and focus on what is being said or are we too busy thinking of other things or what we could say?
o Do we give an appropriate amount of information? Do we tell too much and provide too much detail? Do we have an awareness of what the other person may or may not know so we are able to provide enough information to help them understand what we are saying without playing “professor” and “teach” them things they already know?
o Do we ask appropriate questions and make appropriate comments to continue the conversation?
o Do we make suggestions or sound like we are being demanding of others by telling them what to do?
o Do we listen and accept the opinions and thoughts of others or do we feel that our opinions and thoughts are right and ignore those of others?
o Do we put more emphasis on being right than being a friend?
o Do we using humor appropriately or is our humor making us stand out in an inappropriate way? Do we use humor that may be hurtful or offensive to our conversational partner or others?
o Do we realize/accept when others are teasing to have fun versus to be mean or to bully? Can we accept and play along with “fun” teasing?
Ø Do we keep the confidences of others? Do others keep your confidences?
Ø Do we understand and respect how others may feel?
Ø Are we flexible when we interact with others? Are we willing to think about alternative ways of doing things and try new activities?
Ø Do we act like the “rule police” and try to enforce “rules” we feel others may be breaking?
Ø Do we try to reflect some of the interests and characteristics of others (within reason) or do we try to make ourselves stand out so much that we make people uncomfortable? On the other hand, do we feel good about our interactions with others by being true to ourselves and our values or do we try to be someone we are not just to fit in?
It is important to think about how and why we are interacting so we can determine whether we are “fitting in” or “standing out”. Look for LeeAnne’s blog next week on how to start conversations.
Carol A. Walck, M.S., CCC-SLP