Recently, we have been posting blogs focusing on the complexity of making friends, which is an important goal for many. There is so much to consider! On top of all the things we have already written about, here are a few more things to think about. It is important to:
Ø Identify some of the skills that need to be learned and strengthened and then work at and develop those skills. Practice helps!
Ø Recognize the skills, efforts and kindness of others. Everyone likes to feel important.
Ø Recognize when you have made a mistake or offended someone, take responsibility and apologize when appropriate.
Ø Recognize that friendships can be ‘eventful’ with ups and downs. Just because there are some rough spots does not mean the friendship is over.
Ø Accept the fact that you are not in charge of others, the ‘rule enforcer’, the boss, or ‘the professor’ who always feels the need to educate others. Others have their own knowledge, interests, personalities, opinions and make their own decisions.
Ø Realize that no one is always right, not even you! You need to be able to accept, and admit, when others are right and you are wrong! No one is perfect!
Ø Recognize when teasing is for fun and when it is mean, and deal accordingly. Learn to accept teasing from trusted people who are just trying to have fun. Recognize the difference between people laughing with you versus laughing with you.
Ø Advocate appropriately for yourself and don’t allow others to bully you. You need to know that you are important, valuable, and deserve respect.
Ø Respect others and expect them to respect you.
Ø Be flexible and be able to deal with unexpected things. Be willing to try new things and accept changes!
Ø Accept differences in others. Even though someone may look different or has different thoughts and beliefs, you still may have other things in common.
Ø Keep some things in your mind rather than saying anything that comes into your head. Be cautious of what criticisms you make, how you present them and how you accept them from others.
Ø Communicate with others in an effective manner using appropriate vocabulary, tone, of voice, volume and body language.
Ø Allow people to speak for themselves instead of trying to guess what they think or what they will say. No one is a mind reader! Other people may have ideas or thoughts that we may not realize and we can learn from them.
Ø Learn that different situations and dealing with people of various levels of “power” need to be treated differently. You cannot act the same in every situation or deal with everyone the same way. You need to assess each situation and learn to act accordingly.
Ø Learn how to ask questions to obtain information you need to know. It is better to find out what others are talking about and what they really mean when they talk. If you do not understand but act like you do, you will often appear to be less knowledgeable than you would like.
Ø Ask questions but be sure you listen to the responses and respond accordingly. Asking questions does not mean we are interviewing someone. Asking questions should be a part of building on a topic or a conversation.
Ø Stay on topic and learn to transition to other topics appropriately.
Ø Make sure you respond to questions that others ask you.
Ø Compromise with others about the topic of conversation and what activities you will engage in.
Ø Learn how to negotiate.
Ø Learn accepted slang of peers so you can more effectively interact.
Ø Learn how to observe and effectively use your observations of others to get an idea of how to interact in that situation.
Ø Learn how to recognize what is socially acceptable for your age and peer group.
Ø Stand out for positive things such as being kind, helpful, and supportive rather than negative reasons such as being negative, mean, using inappropriate comments and behaviors, etc.
Ø Learn how to deal with negative thoughts in an appropriate way.
Ø Recognize when others tell you “no” that you need to accept that and act appropriately.
Ø Learn to recognize, understand, and appropriately deal with the body language of others.
Ø Use humor effectively. Do not use humor that makes fun of others, is inappropriate for the situation, is offensive, or is intended to get attention while being irrelevant to the situation. Remember that people get tired of hearing the same jokes or humor repeatedly. Humor should be a part of fitting in to the situation instead of making you stand out for inappropriate reasons.
There are so many things to think about. Allow others to help you identify areas you can work on and build those skills! Three great books that can be used as references are:
Social Rules for Kids: The Top 100 Social Rules Kids Need to Succeed by Susan Diamond, MS, CCC.
The Asperkids’s Secret Book of Social Rules: The Handbook of Not-So-Obvious Social Guidelines for Tweens and Teens with Asperger Syndrome by Jennifer Cook O’Toole. (Please do not dismiss this book since it refers to Asperger’s Syndrome in the title. It has great information for anyone wanting to work on social skills!)
How to Win Friends & Influence People: The Only Book You Need to Lead You to Success by Dale Carnegie. (This classic book was written in 1936 but the lessons are timeless.)
-Carol Walck, MS, CCC/SLP