It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or so we’re told. When we have a child with a communication disorder, whether a language delay, a stutter, or an autism spectrum disorder, we tend to want to shut down the whole holiday season, especially if it means time with extended family.
To be fair, many of us have been blessed with supportive family members, but most of us have at least one person in the family tree who just doesn’t get it. They display their lack of knowledge through judgment or exclusion. Today, I don’t want to discuss how to make ourselves feel better. That’s for when we have a psychologist guest blog. Below, you will find ideas to make the holidays smoother for your child. These suggestions are not age or diagnosis specific, but general guidelines to make the most of a potentially difficult situation.
1. Provide a schedule of events: Depending on the needs of your child, you can provide a picture schedule, a social story (http://carolgraysocialstories.com) or just share photos from past holidays to discuss the usual order of events.
2. Give your child a “job”: This will help your child integrate into the extended family, make him feel useful, and give him something expected to concentrate on. Your child could collect coats, plan activities for younger cousins, or be a photographer. If his tech talents are high, he could gather his photos to create a slide show to share at the end of the get-together, or he could email them to family members after the holiday.
3. Plan for and practice gift-giving: Practice taking someone else’s point of view when choosing gifts for others. You can model this when you are out shopping by saying, “Grandma loves to bake, so I think she would like these cupcake tins.” Follow up with asking what your child thinks someone else might like. Setting aside time to make gifts for others is especially thoughtful and can add to your child’s sense of accomplishment. The internet is full of simple craft ideas.
4. Prepare your family through a newsletter: Often, a family member says something thoughtless about your child because of lack of knowledge, so give them the information they need to understand. There was a time in our lives when I would send out a quarterly email to everyone on my daughter’s “support team.” These were friends and family members who had agreed to take a special interest in helping my daughter achieve her goals. In the newsletter, I would include information about her education, her accomplishments, her social activities, and any difficulties that we had confronted. Another type of newsletter would be to simply update your extended family members about everyone in your family via email on a regular basis. This works especially well if your siblings agree to do the same, creating a family tradition of sorts. Keep in mind that you should not write a list of demands on how to accommodate your child. If your child is a picky eater or if they have food restrictions, feed them before the event, and bring appropriate snacks.
5. Prepare activities: Bring crafts, movies, and/or puzzles. Toss a ball around outside. Electronics will tend to isolate your child; try to stick with an activity that can be shared with all the children at the same time.
6. Alter questions: If your child has difficulty answering questions, particularly lengthy ones, reword them into choice questions. For example, when Aunt Judy asks, “How is school?”, reframe her question into “Is your favorite class art or math?”.
7. Share supervision: If you have a significant other, discuss ahead of time how you will share responsibilities for your child. What will happen if your child has a melt-down? Who will take care of any disagreements among the cousins? Who will make sure that the child has eaten foods within his diet plan? Trouble brews when both spouses think that the other one is supervising.
8. Review the rules of the house: Prepare your child by discussing the rules of the host’s house. Maybe Grandma doesn’t like grandchildren to touch her prized figurines or Aunt Shelby doesn’t let food in the family room. This is also a good opportunity to talk about other people’s perspectives and viewpoints.
9. Preplan a break room: If your child needs quiet alone-time because of overstimulation, discuss a safe room with the host ahead of the holiday. Allow your child to bring a favorite toy or blanket into the room, and make sure you check on him on a regular basis. Obviously, this suggestion is age-dependent.
10. Discuss social expectations ahead of time: What happens if they hate a gift or if they don’t like their dinner? Review and roll-play the proper responses well in advance. If your child tends to dominate the conversation talking about their specialty interests, roll-play conversations where she gives no more than 3 pieces of information at a time, allowing the conversational partner to contribute as well.
There is no way to guarantee that your child will have an easy time at a family gathering or that a family member won’t say something insensitive to you, but at least improve your chances that you will survive the holidays. And remember, leave before your child is worn out!
LeeAnne Fura, MS, CCC/SLP