“They won’t let me play!” “They are all mean to me!” “They are playing dumb games!” “They are all stupid!” “I don’t want to play with them, anyway!” These are the types of statements I have heard clients using when they really want to be a part of group activities but are unable to figure out how to do so.
Knowing how to join a group is an important skill both in social and academic situations. It is important to be able to start basic conversations as LeeAnne talked about in her last blog. If someone does not know how to start conversations or carry on conversations with peers, the ability to engage with peers in group situations will be a challenge. Once people are able to relate to individuals, participating in groups becomes a bit easier as they have already acquired some of the basic skills needed to relate to people on a one-to-one basis. As I’ve mentioned before, however, the group dynamics add “layers” to the interactions as they require the ability to interact with each of the individuals along with knowing how to deal with the interactions between all of the other group participants. What a challenge!
Making an informed decision about a type of group to join is very important. What kinds of groups should be considered?
Which types of groups may be appropriate?
· Small or large groups?
· Large groups?
· Clubs?
· Teams?
· Classes?
· Peer-led or adult-led?
· Structured or unstructured?
· Groups with familiar or unfamiliar peers?
What kinds of activities should be considered?
· Is there familiarity with the activity or the topic? If there is no or limited familiarity, it would be helpful to gain more knowledge.
· Is the activity of interest? If there is no interest, finding another group would make it easier to learn more and engage.
· How structured is the activity? More structured activities could be easier to engage in as there is less variability in the interactions.
· Is there a knowledge/understanding of the rules and expectations? If the group is engaging in games or sports, understanding the rules and how aspects could vary is extremely important. With groups of peers that are just “hanging out”, it is important to be aware of the group dynamics and expectations such as:
o Appropriate topics to discuss
o Group hierarchies
o Common interests and experiences
o How to dress to fit in rather than stand out
How many participants are in the group? Larger groups would be harder to navigate (depending on the activity) as mentioned above due to the complexities of relationships and interactions.
Does the group seem open to having others join in? Recognizing and interpreting the body language of the people in the group can give important clues as to whether there would be acceptance of someone else joining.
Do the people in the group reflect our own values? If people have different religious, political values, or ways of treating/interacting with others, it may affect our success in the group.
After choosing an appropriate group, what are some things to do to get to be a part of the group? In addition to considering some of the things that were mentioned above, these are some other things that can be done:
· Try to engage individually with someone who seems friendly and open so there is at least a connection to someone in the group
· Observe the group while showing interest in what the group is doing. This could include making positive comments about what people are doing, complimenting people in the group, cheering people on, and possibly asking questions (at appropriate times) to find out more about the activity or topic.
· Use body language that indicates that you want to be a part of the group. Upright posture that looks self-assured without being unusual along with using eye gaze/contact will demonstrate confidence and interest. Using a friendly expression along with a clear voice and message will also help demonstrate your interest.
· Determine some things you may have in common with others in the group
· Do some research about the activity or topic
· Develop a variety of interests and be open to trying new things
· Practice skills in familiar, comfortable situations such as with family members or other comfortable peers. Family conversations during meals, weekly meetings, while in the car, etc. can be great times to practice the language and interaction skills needed to become a part of groups. Engaging in board games and outdoor games/activities will help us to understand how to play, take turns, listen, deal with rules, become a good sport (being able to deal with not being the “best” or even losing are important skills!) and interact appropriately.
· Wait for a break in the activities or conversation to try to join. This may be by asking to join or play or by asking questions or making comments to show interest.
· Be willing to accept if you are not accepted in the group at a particular time. Think of reasons someone may be kept from joining in a group activity:
o Issues that have occurred between you and the group or someone in the group previously
o There may already be enough participants for the game or task
o The skill-level of the group may be different than your skill level
o The group may already be a team
o The group may be close-knit and are not willing to accept someone else to join them. (A clique?)
o Your language (both verbal and non-verbal) may be sending a different message than you intend to send
As Winnie-the-Pooh said, “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” Joining a group often takes some detective work in order to be successful. One must be willing to observe, interpret, listen, learn, show flexibility, and …go to them. Look for my next blog on how to successfully remain part of a group.
Carol A. Walck, MS, CCC-SLP