I WANT TO BELONG! HOW CAN I BE A PART OF THE GROUP?

“They won’t let me play!” “They are all mean to me!” “They are playing dumb games!” “They are all stupid!”  “I don’t want to play with them, anyway!” These are the types of statements I have heard clients using when they really want to be a part of group activities but are unable to figure out how to do so. 

Knowing how to join a group is an important skill both in social and academic situations.  It is important to be able to start basic conversations as LeeAnne talked about in her last blog.  If someone does not know how to start conversations or carry on conversations with peers, the ability to engage with peers in group situations will be a challenge.  Once people are able to relate to individuals, participating in groups becomes a bit easier as they have already acquired some of the basic skills needed to relate to people on a one-to-one basis.  As I’ve mentioned before, however, the group dynamics add “layers” to the interactions as they require the ability to interact with each of the individuals along with knowing how to deal with the interactions between all of the other group participants. What a challenge!    

Making an informed decision about a type of group to join is very important.  What kinds of groups should be considered? 

Which types of groups may be appropriate? 

·       Small or large groups?

·       Large groups?

·       Clubs?

·       Teams?

·       Classes?

·       Peer-led or adult-led?

·       Structured or unstructured?

·       Groups with familiar or unfamiliar peers?

What kinds of activities should be considered?

·       Is there familiarity with the activity or the topic? If there is no or limited familiarity, it would be helpful to gain more knowledge.  

·       Is the activity of interest? If there is no interest, finding another group would make it easier to learn more and engage. 

·       How structured is the activity? More structured activities could be easier to engage in as there is less variability in the interactions.    

·       Is there a knowledge/understanding of the rules and expectations?  If the group is engaging in games or sports, understanding the rules and how aspects could vary is extremely important.  With groups of peers that are just “hanging out”, it is important to be aware of the group dynamics and expectations such as:

o   Appropriate topics to discuss

o   Group hierarchies

o   Common interests and experiences

o   How to dress to fit in rather than stand out

How many participants are in the group? Larger groups would be harder to navigate (depending on the activity) as mentioned above due to the complexities of relationships and interactions.   

Does the group seem open to having others join in?  Recognizing and interpreting the body language of the people in the group can give important clues as to whether there would be acceptance of someone else joining. 

Do the people in the group reflect our own values?  If people have different religious, political values, or ways of treating/interacting with others, it may affect our success in the group.

After choosing an appropriate group, what are some things to do to get to be a part of the group? In addition to considering some of the things that were mentioned above, these are some other things that can be done: 

·       Try to engage individually with someone who seems friendly and open so there is at least a connection to someone in the group

·       Observe the group while showing interest in what the group is doing.  This could include making positive comments about what people are doing, complimenting people in the group, cheering people on, and possibly asking questions (at appropriate times) to find out more about the activity or topic.

·       Use body language that indicates that you want to be a part of the group.   Upright posture that looks self-assured without being unusual along with using eye gaze/contact will demonstrate confidence and interest.  Using a friendly expression along with a clear voice and message will also help demonstrate your interest.

·       Determine some things you may have in common with others in the group

·       Do some research about the activity or topic

·       Develop a variety of interests and be open to trying new things

·       Practice skills in familiar, comfortable situations such as with family members or other comfortable peers.   Family conversations during meals, weekly meetings, while in the car, etc. can be great times to practice the language and interaction skills needed to become a part of groups. Engaging in board games and outdoor games/activities will help us to understand how to play, take turns, listen, deal with rules, become a good sport (being able to deal with not being the “best” or even losing are important skills!) and interact appropriately.    

·       Wait for a break in the activities or conversation to try to join.  This may be by asking to join or play or by asking questions or making comments to show interest.  

·       Be willing to accept if you are not accepted in the group at a particular time.  Think of reasons someone may be kept from joining in a group activity:

o   Issues that have occurred between you and the group or someone in the group previously

o   There may already be enough participants for the game or task

o   The skill-level of the group may be different than your skill level

o   The group may already be a team

o   The group may be close-knit and are not willing to accept someone else to join them.  (A clique?)

o   Your language (both verbal and non-verbal) may be sending a different message than you intend to send

As Winnie-the-Pooh said, “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you.  You have to go to them sometimes.”  Joining a group often takes some detective work in order to be successful.  One must be willing to observe, interpret, listen, learn, show flexibility, and …go to them.  Look for my next blog on how to successfully remain part of a group. 

Carol A. Walck, MS, CCC-SLP 

What Is a Friend?

Is a friend someone we just met? Someone who is in our class (even though they don’t speak to us!)? Someone we met a long time ago? Someone we used to play with or hang out with but no longer see? Someone our sibling is friends with?  Someone we play on-line video games with but have never spoken to? Knowing our clients’ definitions of “friend” is often a great place to start when supporting them to develop friendships. 

So, what is a “friend”?  According to Natalie Madorsky Elman, Ph.D and Eileen Kennedy-Moore, Ph.D. (The Unwritten Rules of Friendship:  Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends), there are 3 kinds of friends: acquaintances, friends, and close friends. 

            Acquaintances are people you have met, know casually but have not really spent a great deal of time with; however you feel they are nice, and would be someone to get to know better and possibly be friends with.

            A friend is someone you know better than an acquaintance, may occasionally spend time with, and have some things in common with.    

            A close friend is someone you have probably known for a long time, enjoy spending time with more than other people, have spent a lot of time with, and have been to one another’s homes.      

Based on a post that was written by Marc Chernoff (15 Things Real Friends Do Differently, Marc and Angel Hack Life:  Practical Tips for Productive Living, http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/04/23/15-things-real-friends-do-differently/), these are things that “real friends” do differently:

1.    Face problems together

2.    Give what they can to each other because they care; have a ‘give and take’ relationship

3.    Make time for each other because they want to spend time together

4.    Offer each other freedom to do things on their own

5.    Communicate effectively with one another to be able to discuss things that could be a part of the relationship: both positives and negatives

6.    Accept each other for who they are; they do not change who they are or expect anyone else to change

7.    Be genuine with one another;  be honest, open, and aware of each other’s feelings; do not lie or cheat

8.    Compromise with one another

9.    Support each other through changes in your interests, lives, etc.

10. Believe in one another by supporting each other: dreams, hobbies, etc.  Encourage one another

11. Have realistic expectations of their relationship

12. Honor each other through kindness and gratitude

13. Listen to one another

14. Keep promises

15. Stick around for each other

Steven E. Gutstein and Rachel K. Sheely (Relationship Development Intervention with Children, Adolescents, and Adults: Social and Emotional Development Activities for Asperger Syndrome, Autism, PDD and NLD) stated that good friends:

Ø  Demonstrate happiness when they see one another

Ø  Are able to make one another smile and laugh

Ø  Enjoy playing the same things

Ø  Do not try to boss or control each other

Ø  Play fairly without cheating

Ø  Stay engaged in activities rather than walking away

Ø  Demonstrate that people in general are more important than things

Ø  Place their friendship above having to win or get their own way

How does your child define “friend”?  Look for our upcoming blogs about friendships!

Carol A. Walck, MS, CCC-SLP 

How Do I Help My Child Become More "Gritty"?

How Do I Help My Child Become More “Gritty”?

Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again. – Nelson Mandela

When LeeAnne, Theresa and I attended a Learning & the Brain Conference last spring, we were fortunate enough to have heard Dr. Caroline Miller speak about Getting Grit: How to Embed Passion, Persistence & Awe in Your School. Based on some of Dr. Miller’s suggestions for how teachers and schools can help children, here are some ways you can help your child become grittier:  

·      Help identify passions

o   Help your child figure out what is important to them, things they really love.  People are more willing to work toward things they have chosen rather than things that were chosen for them.  When dealing with academics or less preferred tasks, help your child to see how such accomplishments can related to their passions. 

·      Teach goal-setting & value of hard goals 

o   As LeeAnne stated in her blog on setting goals, setting up appropriate goals that are self-driven, measurable, and important to the individual helps the individual stick to the goals and not give up. Such goals can help motivate your child as they would be working on something that is important to them.  If your child feels the goal is not achievable or important, there is greater chance they will feel defeated and give up. 

o   Help your child set small, measurable goals that can help them to be successful.

o   Ask your child what their goal is for the week or month which will enable you to help your child to turn those goals into S.M.A.R.T. goals so they can see progress they are able to achieve. 

·      Promote process over outcome and teach & reward risk-taking

o   Help your child to realize that the way they approach tasks and work toward them is more important than the outcome.

o   Allowing children to fail and then form a plan to be more successful helps to develop grit (Dr. Angela Duckworth, author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance) as responding to the failure can help them become more determined.

o   Learning to deal with failure and adversity helps us establish more self-control and the ability to work toward a goal

o   Teach your child the acronym: 

FAIL =

·      First

·      Attempt

·      In

·      Learning

o   Debbie Pincus, a family therapist who created the Calm Parent AM/PM, suggests focusing on what your child has done well for activities even though they may have been unsuccessful for other aspects.  She also suggests helping your child to assess what they did to be successful and what they may have done that resulted in errors. Redoing errors (even if it does not change the test scores or the outcomes) can help the child review and learn from mistakes while learning to develop grit.

o   Emphasis on the drive and willingness to keep working and trying rather than the outcome (such as grades) helps children achieve grit.

·      Share stories of overcoming

o   Talk to your child about difficulties you have faced and what you did to overcome those obstacles. 

o   One of Dr. Miller’s techniques for promoting gratitude, self-confidence, and grit is for individuals to identify three hard things that they accomplished each day along with how they were able to do so.  What a great activity to become a part of the daily family dinner conversation or a bedtime routine!  

·      Promote patience—“Not  yet”

o   Help your child to learn to wait for some things rather than needing to have all of their wants/needs immediately.  When children learn to delay gratification, it helps them improve their ability to work toward a goal. 

·      Praise wisely

o   Oftentimes parents feel the more they praise their child, the more it helps their child build self-esteem and confidence, however overly praising children results can backfire, resulting in a dependence on praise from others rather than feeling their own pride in what they achieve.  However, when parents do not praise their children enough, children may feel as though they have not met the expectations of their parents or that their parents do not care what they do, which may result in a lack of motivation.  Children may feel as though they have not met the expectations of their parents or that their parents do not care what they do.  The quality of praise is also important.  Praising your child for their attempts and how hard they have worked is more beneficial than praise for the outcome.  If your child works really hard at a passion or difficult task, focus on their work rather than whether they are the best at the activity.  Your praise of their diligence could encourage them to keep working at their passion and overcome obstacles.    

o   Dr. Judy Willis (a board-certified neurologist who later worked as a classroom teacher) wrote a great article titled, Good Praise, Bad Praise. http://www.parenttoolkit.com/social-and-emotional-development/news/general-parenting/good-praise-bad-praise

·      Mentoring & messages

o   Help your child develop a growth mindset, a topic LeeAnne will be writing about in an upcoming blog.  This includes looking at the positive aspects of things rather than the negatives and approaching things as though they will not be successful (fixed mindset). 

o   Let your child know you will be there to help and support them if they need help rather than just providing the help. This allows your child the opportunity to problem-solve and attempt strategies on their own rather than becoming dependent on you to solve their problems. 

o   If needed, help your child identify obstacles they may need to deal with when working on goals. Rather than just identifying possible obstacles for your child, ask them some leading questions or point out some things they may need to think about in order to problem-solve on their own.

As I wrote my first blog on grit, I talked about the grit shown by Nick Foles, the quarterback of the Eagles, right after the Eagles won the NFL divisional championship.  Today as I’ve been finishing this blog, I have been watching the pregame shows for Super Bowl LII.  There have been many more examples of grit in players and others who have demonstrated “passion and perseverance to their long term goals”, often in spite of adversity and naysayers. Grit is essential in helping your child develop a more positive mindset (which LeeAnne will be talking about in an upcoming blog) and achieve their goals. You can help your child become “grittier”!

Carol A. Walck, MS, CCC-SLP

Client Goals for 2018

A few weeks ago, we posted a blog about setting goals.  Here is a sample of the goals our clients shared with us:

“Get 2 100% tests once a week.” AG

 “Get better at math tests.” CS

“Grow potatoes in my garden.” ND

“Help out more with my family.” DZ

“Show kindness to my family.” TZ

“To become better fit for baseball by biking (1-2 hours per day), squats (30 minutes a day), lifting weights (15 minutes per day), and doing short sprints.”  ER 

“To be better at having conversations with people.” BK

“I want to learn how to make change with money.” RY

“To read 100 books this year.” JK

“To be better at reading.”  DM 

What is "Grit"...and is it Something My Child Should Have?

As I was working on this blog about grit and watching the post-game show after the Philadelphia Eagles beat the Tennessee Titans in the NFL divisional championships, Nick Foles, the Eagles quarterback, was being interviewed. When asked about the preparation and performance of the Eagles, he stated that it “goes back to believing and having faith in one another that we can get this done…preparation will give you an opportunity to win, but then your heart’s got to go out there and you’ve got to play with all your heart and give up everything you have”.  What a great example of grit! 

So, what is grit?  According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, one of the definitions of grit is firmness of mind or spirit: unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger.  Dictionary.com defines grit as firmness of character; indomitable spirit; pluck.  It has been reported that many children and young adults in today’s society are lacking grit; they have difficulty dealing with adversity, easily giving up when things get tough. 

Although many people believe that success is dependent upon intelligence and talent, research has demonstrated that those characteristics do not necessarily translate to what is considered to be “successful” lives.  In fact, there are many “successful” people who struggled through school due to learning difficulties or low socio-economic status, or who have even dropped out of school due to some type of adversity.  Some of these people who became very successful in their later endeavors demonstrated skills other than intelligence and traditional talent.  Dr. Angela Duckworth (author of the book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance) attributes this success to grit which she describes as “passion and perseverance to very long term goals”.  Dr. Duckworth has been researching grit and how it affects a child’s ability to succeed in school, a young adult’s ability to succeed in their jobs, and for all people to succeed in their lives.  She formulated two equations to demonstrate how to take talent and translate it to achievement: 

            talent X effort = skill

            skill X effort = achievement

In these equations, effort equals grit.  

An article by Bryan Goodwin and Kirsten Miller (Research Says Grit Plus Talent Equals Student Success) suggests that grit is a matter of characteristics including:

·      Goal-directedness (knowing where to go and how to get there)

·      Motivation (having a strong will to achieve identified goals)

·      Self-control (avoiding distractions and focusing on the task at hand)

·      Positive mind-set (embracing challenge and viewing failure as a learning opportunity)   

LeeAnne, Theresa and I were fortunate to see Caroline Adams Miller (author of Getting Grit: The Evidence-Based Approach to Cultivating Passion, Perseverance, and Purpose) speak at a conference last spring.  She presented and spoke about various types of grit:

·      Authentic grit is the passionate pursuit of hard goals that awes and inspires others to become better people, flourish emotionally, take positive risks and live their best lives

·      Stupid grit is the obstinate pursuit of a hard goals that presents more negatives than positives because the circumstances have changed

·      Faux grit is embodied in people who pretend to themselves and others that they have achieved hard goals, but who have taken shortcuts or faked those accomplishments

·      Selfie grit is the relentless celebration of your pursuit of hard goals, including triumph over challenging obstacles, real or imagined

·      Ordinary grit is the willingness to persist in overcoming the challenges, setbacks and disappointments of everyday life to create extraordinary and empowering outcomes in unlikely circumstances

Do you feel your child needs grit?  Look for my upcoming blog, How Do I Help My Child Become More “Gritty”?

Carol A. Walck, MS, CCC-SLP 

Organize Your Time

It’s not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is, what are we busy about?
-Henry David Thoreau

A few weeks ago, I wrote about setting goals, but what do we do with those goals once we’ve set them?  We have to break them down into steps and get those steps entered into our calendars.  Poor time management is probably the number one reason adolescent and young adult clients with executive dysfunction are referred to our practice.  In their book, Executive Skills in Children and Adolescents, Peg Dawson and Richard Guare define time management as “the capacity to estimate, allocate, and execute within time constraints.” 

How important is time management?  A study in The Journal of Advanced Academics, reported that students who did not return to college for the second year had poorer firs-semester time management skills than those who remained in college.  Several other studies have shown that students who are able to manage their time effectively have higher GPA’s and show more positive adjustment in college than students who lack these skills.

Although I have not collected data, I find that many of our clients believe that successful students don’t schedule their time; they are just magically able to pull off good grades. My first advice to parents would be to model how you yourself keep your time organized in order to be able to meet your obligations.  If you are also a person who struggles with time management, then you might want to research the subject and try out various strategies along with your child.  This will validate and confirm the fact that time management is a worthy pursuit.

There is no time management system that is perfect for every person, and the options online, in bookstores, and in office supply stores are endless.  If your child is struggling with the abstract concept of time, I strongly suggest that they start with a paper calendar over a digital version.  The paper versions, particularly those that are divided into 15-minute increments, make time visible and somewhat tangible.  Start by helping your child enter all of their obligations and appointments for the month, such as Dr.’s appointments, sports practice, speech-language therapy, etc.  Meet on a weekly basis to update those entries.  At that time, you should help your child to enter specific study obligations.  For example, an entry might state “create history notecards for chapters 1 and 2 between 7:00-8:30 on Tuesday night.  Note that this entry has time constraints and includes not only the subject, but the specific activity as well.

Finally, based off of personal and academic goals, your child should enter any activities for the week that will help achieve those goals (above and beyond homework assignments).  Perhaps his current goal is to score a specific number on the SAT.  He should then schedule times during the upcoming week to practice for the exam and to note exactly what he will be practicing. He might enter “Khan Academy reading comprehension review practice on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 7:30-8:00.

My final note is to be sure to leave unscheduled time every day.  All of us need time to breathe and enjoy activities that we love, but aren’t obligated to do.  Those are often so much more enjoyable when we’ve already crossed off everything on our to-do list.

LeeAnne Fura, MS, CCC/SLP

Get Cozy With Winter Books

Winter days, especially snowy days, are great times to cuddle up in bed or on the couch under a blanket to read some wonderful books.  Here are some favorite winter books to read with your child: 

Carl’s Snowy Afternoon (Alexandra Day):  The wordless adventures of a baby and her dog through their town on a snowy day. 

Froggy Gets Dressed (Jonathan London):  A favorite character is called back in the house to put on appropriate clothing for the snow.   

Little Critter: Just a Snowy Day (Mercer Mayer):  A favorite author shows one of our favorite character’s activities on a snowy day. 

The Mitten and The Hat (Jan Brett): Two wonderful books that tell stories about animals in the snow.  The beautiful illustrations include insights into what will come next.   

The Missing Mitten Mystery (Steven Kellogg):  After a day in the snow, a little girl and her dog retrace their activities looking for her missing mitten and imagining what animals could be using it for. 

Owl Moon (Jane Yolen):  The beautiful story of a little girl and her father going out owling on a snowy night.

Snow (Roy McKie): A beginner book written in Dr. Seuss-style showing fun things to do in the snow like snowball fighting, skiing, fort-building, and snowman-making.

Snow (Uri Shulevitz): A book with minimal words that shows a boy and his dog walking through a city transformed by a snowfall in spite of others predicting that the snowfall would not amount to anything.  

Snow Bugs (David A. Carter):  A fun pop-up book showing a variety of bugs taking part in winter activities. 

Snowballs (Lois Ehlert): A simplistic story of snow family made out of various objects which is a great way for children to see how various objects can be used creatively. 

The Snowman (Raymond Briggs): A wordless story of a boy’s adventures with a snowman who comes to life.  There are various versions to choose from along with a magical, almost wordless movie.  

Snowman’s Story (Will Hillenbrand): A wordless book that shows the adventures of a snowman which  enables children to describe the pictures, pick out key points, read facial expressions, make predictions, etc.

Snow Sounds: An Onomatopoeic Story (David A. Johnson): A beautifully illustrated story told through the pictures and sounds of a snowy night.

The Snowy Day (Ezra Jack Keats):  A classic book with simplistic drawings illustrating a child’s wonder on a snowy day.

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening (Robert Frost):  A beautiful illustration of a well-known poem.

Tacky and the Winter Games (Helen Lester): A great book to read during a year with winter Olympics!  

Carol A. Walck, M.S., CCC-SLP

It's the New Year. Time to Set Some Goals!

Happy New Year! This is one of my favorite times of year, because I am a resolutions maker.  If you’ve ever taken the habits quiz by Gretchen Rubin, I’m a classic Upholder, someone who keeps both inner and outer expectations (usually).  In other words, I am a person who loves to create goals. (To find out your tendency for meeting expectations, you can take the quiz at https://www.surveygizmo.com/s3/3706759/Gretchen-Rubin-s-Quiz-The-Four-Tendencies.)

This is a rather paradoxical character trait, as I have a passion for working with clients with executive dysfunction, those persons who struggle with managing themselves and their resources in order to achieve their goals.  Executive functions are higher neurologically-based skills involving mental control and self-regulation.  Possible resulting behaviors of executive dysfunction are an inability to plan and use time efficiently, difficulty organizing belongings, difficulty identifying problems and finding solutions. 

For now, let’s just talk about the importance of setting goals, and how to do it.  Goals give you a long-term vision of how you want to see your life unfold. That long-term vision should provide you with motivation in the short-term.  For example, your middle-school child sets a goal of playing for his school’s basketball team.  Therefore, he is more apt to shoot baskets instead of playing video games after school.  Goals also provide focus for what we take the time to learn.  We are constantly bombarded with information, but if our goal is to learn Italian, then we will more likely study the language instead of scroll through social media.  As you can see from the above examples, goals help us to organize and prioritize our time and our resources to make the most of our lives.

Nevertheless, the act of setting goals can be daunting.  Most experts suggest setting SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For example, I want to post one calligraphy project on Instagram (specific, measurable and attainable) monthly (time-bound) in order to improve my skills (relevant). It should be noted that some goals are achievable in the sense that they can be crossed off a list (I will get an A on my upcoming math test) whereas others are ongoing (I will only eat sugar on special occasions.) In both cases, it is important to think about your long-term goal (I want to get into the college of my choice. I want to be a healthy person). However, you will have more lapses with the latter type of goal because there is no end-point. We have to recognize this possibility, focus on the long-term goal, forgive ourselves when we fail, and start again.  The point is that the long-term goal is our compass. 

As a final note, goals are very personal.  We should not be creating goals for our children. We should help our children to create their own SMART goal, write it down, remind them of their goal (maybe with a note on the fridge; not through nagging), and perhaps create a daily chart for accountability.  Carol recalls an article she read about a man with many accomplished children.  He claimed the key to his parenting success to be the fact that he asked each of his children to identify their goal for the month, and then reminded them that he would help them if they needed assistance.

By the way, the calligraphy goal is really on my resolutions list.  Now that I’ve just made it public, I’ve created an accountability factor.  Be creative; goal-setting can be fun!

LeeAnne Fura, MS, CCC/SLP

It’s A Wonderful Life…Traditions

My favorite part of the holiday season is the comfort of family traditions. They are a constant in our ever-changing world, and they highlight our values when we are constantly barraged by advertisements, news, and social media.  It turns out, they are not only fun, but good for you too!  They strengthen family bonds, offer a sense of belonging, pass on cultural heritage, and connect generations. Research has shown that family rituals are related to healthy emotional skills in children.  Psychologists suggest that the predictable nature of traditions causes decreased anxiety in children. Here are some of our favorite traditions:

Carol’s family has had a very traditional Slovak Christmas Eve dinner since long before she was born. Although some of the traditions have changed as some things have been eliminated, it still remains the most important holiday in her family. After a day of no meat being consumed, the dinner is supposed to take place at sundown on Christmas Eve with an extra plate set at the table for Jesus or the traveling stranger who may need a place to eat on that special night. Before the meal begins, each person has a cross of honey put on his forehead to make him sweet throughout the year. Christmas wafers (like communion) are then dipped into honey to remind everyone of the sweetness in life. This ritual is followed by eating a piece of garlic to bring to mind the bitterness in life and to help bring everyone good health. The dinner consists of a very traditional menu including fish, mushroom soup with sauerkraut juice added, sauerkraut and lima bean soup, pierogi, bread balls softened with boiling water and mixed with sautéed sauerkraut, mashed potatoes made with ‘zuprushka’ (onions sautéed in oil) added, and

cooked prunes. Following the meal, a game of Kumpada Naypada could be played. Kumpada Naypada is a game played with nuts in their shell. With one person holding some nuts in their hand, the other person needs to guess ‘kumpada’ (even) or ‘naypada’ (odd). If they are correct, they get the nuts to accumulate and see who gets the most to win.

Theresa’s family has an annual family grab bag with her siblings and extended family. This year will be the 50th consecutive gathering! Her immediate family enjoys getting the Christmas tree together. They started the tradition of cutting down their tree 31 years ago. This is getting more challenging to schedule as her “kids” get older and are out on their own. Her children have their own grab bag every Christmas Eve after they return home from Christmas mass and a nice dinner out. The grab bag is typically followed by a showing of “The Christmas Carol” while they drink egg nog and cider by the fire. On Christmas morning, they gather around the tree for a family brunch (always with cinnamon rolls!) and open presents.  Theresa notes that it is customary that they modify at least one tradition every year. This year their grab bag will be held a few weeks before Christmas since her son will be leaving for the Air Force and will not be here for Christmas. 

My own traditions start a few weeks before Christmas.  We gather around to write our family newsletter.  We have a different theme every year; past letters included a Game of Life, Jeopardy, and even Tom Petty lyrics.  This year was a letter from our newly rescued dog.  On the weeks leading up to Christmas, we always take a trip to see the Lights in the Parkway, then stop to get peppermint ice cream at Ice Cream World.  We go to the late church service on Christmas Eve, enjoying the carols and the lighted candles while singing “Silent Night.” On Christmas, we take turns opening gifts, from the youngest to the oldest member of our family, but the highlight is always opening our stockings; each contains an ornament that represents an event in that person’s year.  The best part of Christmas is the gathering at my parents’ home.  We are blessed that they are both still with us, and we look forward to the one day of the year when my siblings, our children, and my brother’s grandchild can all gather together.  There is nothing calm or formal about this day.  It starts with a raucous exchange of gifts, appetizers, and chatter.  The appetizers always include fried, breaded olives stuffed with meats and cheeses, a specialty of the town of Ascoli Piceno, Italy, where my grandparents were from. Christmas doesn’t end for us until we attend Christ Lutheran Church’s 12th Night festival.  If you ever get a chance to attend, do so!  The bag pipes alone will help extend the seasonal beauty.  We too have had to adapt as my children have grown.  We’ve decided to cut back on expenses, so we do a gift exchange using drawnames.com.  The mystery of who has drawn our names is now something we spend the month of December trying to deduce.

As is noted from our examples, families change, and we should be flexible enough to change our traditions accordingly. Our children are grown, some married, some living across the country.  We are learning to adapt by handing some of our traditions down to them, and by making new ones so that we can still stay connected without passing down guilt and stress.  Moreover, we want to teach our children with various communication disorders an element of flexibility, a key executive function.

So, what are your favorite holiday traditions?

LeeAnne Fura, MS, CCC/SLP

Family Holiday Activities

It’s that time of year again! Christmas is just two weeks away and we just had our first snowfall of the season; it is such a beautiful and exciting time. This is a perfect time for families to come together to share in some wintertime holiday activities.  I have a few suggestions that will not only be fun and family-oriented but will also enrich your child’s developmental skills: following directions, making choices, sequencing, fine motor, math, planning, explaining, .and perspective-taking. Happy holidays and merry Christmas!

•  Go gift-shopping:  Enlist your children's help in selecting gifts for their teachers, family and friends. 
• Wrap presents: Set up a gift-wrapping station with the necessary items such as paper, bows, ribbons, tape, and gift labels. Make it even more fun by having your child create their own wrapping paper. It is very simple; buy plain wrapping paper, markers, crayons, or colored pencils and let the creativity flow! You can also use washable paint and have the children make Christmas trees and reindeer with their hand and foot prints.

http://www.pinkieforpink.com/2012/11/kids-christmas-art-projects.html?spref=pi

•  Decorate a gingerbread house: You can buy the kits at most grocery stores, Target, Rite Aid, CVS and Amazon. While you are decorating, create a story about the gingerbread family that lives there. For the experienced bakers, you can make your own gingerbread from scratch. There are many ways to make a gingerbread house; I once used graham crackers as the base of the house.

• Make gifts: This can be a fun challenge to do together.  Consider making some homemade hot cocoa in a jar with all the fixings and printed labels.

https://www.mom4real.com/homemade-hot-cocoa-recipe-with-printable-chalkboard-labels/

• Decorate a critter Christmas tree: You will need to go outside for this one. Place a mini tree in your yard and decorate it with mini edible ornaments for birds. Sharon Lovejoy is the author of 10 books containing creative projects for kids. I found a wonderful idea of hers in the December 18th Woman’s World magazine. “Decorate a small potted conifer or rosemary tree with berries, pinecones dipped in peanut butter and bird seed and tasty dried flowers, such as Echinacea and sunflowers,” says Lovejoy.
• Bake with your children:  If you are strapped for time - and who isn't this time of year - you can find  some very easy recipes on the Betty Crocker website.

https://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/easy-reindeer-cookies/1aa522fd-27c1-4fcd-a033-a9700d0138b4#!

• Put together a holiday jigsaw puzzle: This is a perfect activity for families to do at their own leisure. Set up the puzzle pieces on a designated table and work on the puzzle throughout the holiday season.

Most importantly, enjoy the gift of each other this holiday season.

Theresa Wylie, MS, CCC/SLP

Our Favorite Holiday Books

Reading aloud to your child is a great way to spend time together, enjoy stories, provide a launching point for discussions, learn about the world, other people, perspectives of others, be exposed to new vocabulary in a natural context, be exposed to grammatical forms, etc. There are so many wonderful holiday books to choose from that we thought we would share some of our favorites.  Enjoy!

The 12 Bugs of Christmas, Jingle Bugs by David A. Carter (2 pop-up books by a favorite author/illustrator)

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens                                             

Baby’s First Christmas by Tomie DePaola (A board book)

Babushka: A Christmas Tale by Dawn Casey

The Bears’ Christmas by Stan and Jan Berenstain

Can You See What I See? By Walter Wick (various versions)

Carl’s Christmas by Alexandra Day (A wordless book) 

Christmas Around the World: A Pop-Up Book by Chuck Fischer (The text is for older students, middle school and above)

Clifford’s Christmas, Clifford’s First Christmas by Norman Bridwell

Harold and the North Pole by Crockett Johnson (Harold draws his way to the North Pole and back home again)

How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss

If You Take a Mouse to the Movies by Laura Numeroff and Felicia Bond 

I Spy Christmas by Jean Marzollo and Walter Wick (various versions)

Letters From Father Christmas by J.R.R. Tolkien 

Little Tree by e.e. cumings

Madeline’s Christmas by Ludwig Bemelmans 

Marguerite’s Christmas by India Desjardins (melancholy, but good for perspective-taking)

Merry Christmas, Big Hungry Bear! By Don and Audrey Wood

Merry Christmas Mom and Dad (Little Critter) by Mercer Mayer

Merry Christmas, Strega Nona by Tomie de Paola

Mr. Willowby’s Christmas Tree by Robert Barry

National Geographic Kids: Weird but True! Christmas (300 facts about Christmas throughout the world)

The Night Before Christmas by Clement C. Moore (and various illustrators)

Oskar and the Eight Blessings by Tanya Simon and Richard Simon

Pete the Cat Saves Christmas by James Dean and Eric Litwin 

Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg

The Red Wings of Christmas by Wesley Eure (chapter book for preteens)

Snowballs by Lois Ehlert

The Snowman by Raymond Briggs (Various versions including a wordless version)

Spot’s Christmas, Spot’s First Christmas by Eric Hill

Wild Christmas Reindeer, Home for Christmas, Christmas Trolls, by Jan Brett (Jan Brett’s books typically have pictures on each page to give an idea of what is coming next)

Carol Walck, MS, CCC-SLP 

Developing Communication Skills Through Games

Play has often been considered to be the work of children. While many children tend to think of “playing” as time for electronics, playing board games and card games provide opportunities to socialize while building on important life skills.  In addition to providing valuable time interacting with family and friends, playing games is also a great way to help children learn improved communication skills (both receptively and expressively).

Many of the games that are listed can be adapted for various ages/skills by playing with other rules (which also works on flexibility).  Examples of rule changes include eliminating timers; working in pairs or groups; eliminating the need to write answers; reducing the number of rules that are used; creating your own games using the game pieces such as using pictures for describing, comparing, etc.

Here is a list of games to consider for you child for the holidays or anytime.  Although the games below are listed based on specific areas of language, the games typically can help improve various areas of language while having fun. 

Receptive and expressive language including language concepts, following directions, retaining, recalling and integrating information, formulating sentences, describing, explaining, categorization, associations, etc:

• Scattergories:  Thinking of words that fall into a list of various categories that also start with a specific letter

• Wordplay:  Thinking of words that fall into a specific category that also start with a letter that is chosen by spinning a spinner

• Frazzle: Naming words that fit a chosen category and initial letters more quickly than your opponent

• Headbanz: Asking yes/no questions to figure out the picture of an item that is placed on your “Headbanz”

• Double Ditto: Thinking of items that may fall into atypical categories and then seeing if the answers match those of other players 

• Scavenger Hunts: Either purchased or homemade games where items are presented for children to find.  Items can be presented either verbally, through pictures or even clues that are spoken or written

• Go Fish: Naming and describing pictures while learning vocabulary, turn-taking skills, etc. 

• UNO cards with various characters for describing such as Dory, Frozen, Spiderman, etc.  Instead of playing the typical game of UNO, such cards can be used for describing and playing matching games or Go Fish   

• Stare:  Answering questions and recalling information about a picture you have stared at for 30 seconds

Vocabulary including word retrieval, word meanings:

• Matching Games: matching pictures game that can be based on different themes

• Bingo with pictures

• Word Teasers:  Using conversation questions while focusing on vocabulary

• Zingo: Matching presented pictures to the pictures on your board by shouting out the picture name

• Secret Square Game:  Asking questions to guess the target picture

• 20 Questions:  Guessing the items based upon clues that are read by your opponent.

• 5-Second Rule: Naming items in a category in 5 seconds

• Spot it: Using card pairs to find the matching picture and quickly state the answer before someone else does.  Various themes are available  

• Blurt:  Guessing words based on clues that are given

Pragmatic skills including turn-taking, topic maintenance, perspective-taking, reading body language, negotiating, compromising, etc: 

• Charades Games such as Kids on Stage, Guesstures, Charades for Kids, Picture Charades for Kids: Acting out various animals, vehicles, or the use of items for others to guess; also requires the actor to decide on the most important aspects to act out

• Cooperative/noncompetitive games:  Learning to work together and realize that games are not always about winning

• The Secret Door: acting  as detectives to work together and  figure out which objects are missing

• Snail’s Pace Race: matching colors to have snails move along the race path.  Can choose to have the first snail win, the last snail, or a snail in the middle

• Dinosaur Escape:  Helping dinosaurs escape to their island before the volcano erupts

• Snug as a Bug in a Rug:  Helping the matching bugs to hide under the rug before the stink bugs stink up the place

•  Race to the Treasure:  Stopping the Ogre from getting the treasure by working  together to get to the treasure first

• Stone Soup: Matching  ingredients to go in the soup before the fire goes out

• Hoot, Owl, Hoot:  Matching colors to help owls get back to their nests

• Table Topics:  Using cards to start conversations.  Various themes are available

• Would You Rather? Voting on which you would choose when given 2 dilemmas to theoretically experience

Executive function including organizing, sequencing, problem-solving, negotiating, compromising

• Apples to Apples, Junior or Regular: Choosing the item in your hand that is best described by the adjective that is provided.  There are different levels of this game.

• Pickles to Penguins: Quickly linking pictures together based on commonalities

• Guess Who:  Guessing the mystery character based on a series of questions

• Life: A classic game that requires players to make life choices and deal with the  consequences of those choices

• Monopoly: A classic game that comes in many themes where players buy and rent properties while managing their money

• Clue, Jr: Using clues and the process of elimination to figure out what is hidden in the clubhouse.

• The Labyrinth Game: Using planning, strategies, associations, cause-effect, etc. to open passages in order to accumulate your game pieces

Phonological Awareness including articulation, spelling and reading 

•  Rhyming games:  Such as I Spy a Mouse in the House! Picture Rhymes, Pop for Word Families, Rhyming Bingo, The Learning Journey Match It! Rhyme and other games that help children focus in on similarities and differences in word endings and word meanings

• Mad Gab:  Read a series of words while changing the emphasis on the words.  Eventually it will sound like a different phrase

• The Last Letter:  Quickly coming up with a word on one of your cards that starts with the last letter of the previous word that was stated

• Scrabble: Making up words with letter tiles.  Different levels are available starting with Scrabble, Jr. (which uses letter matching)

• My Word: Making up words from cards with letters on them.

• Play on Words:  Making up words from cards that are presented while using strategies to capture opponents words

• Word on the Street: Stating words in a category and identifying letters in that word

Have fun! 

Carol A. Walck, M.S. CCC/SLP

Surviving Holiday Family Time When Your Child Has a Communication Disorder.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or so we’re told.  When we have a child with a communication disorder, whether a language delay, a stutter, or an autism spectrum disorder, we tend to want to shut down the whole holiday season, especially if it means time with extended family.

To be fair, many of us have been blessed with supportive family members, but most of us have at least one person in the family tree who just doesn’t get it.  They display their lack of knowledge through judgment or exclusion.  Today, I don’t want to discuss how to make ourselves feel better.  That’s for when we have a psychologist guest blog.  Below, you will find ideas to make the holidays smoother for your child.  These suggestions are not age or diagnosis specific, but general guidelines to make the most of a potentially difficult situation.

1.     Provide a schedule of events: Depending on the needs of your child, you can provide a picture schedule, a social story (http://carolgraysocialstories.com) or just share photos from past holidays to discuss the usual order of events.  

2.     Give your child a “job”: This will help your child integrate into the extended family, make him feel useful, and give him something expected to concentrate on.  Your child could collect coats, plan activities for younger cousins, or be a photographer.  If his tech talents are high, he could gather his photos to create a slide show to share at the end of the get-together, or he could email them to family members after the holiday.

3.     Plan for and practice gift-giving: Practice taking someone else’s point of view when choosing gifts for others.  You can model this when you are out shopping by saying, “Grandma loves to bake, so I think she would like these cupcake tins.”  Follow up with asking what your child thinks someone else might like.  Setting aside time to make gifts for others is especially thoughtful and can add to your child’s sense of accomplishment.  The internet is full of simple craft ideas.

4.     Prepare your family through a newsletter: Often, a family member says something thoughtless about your child because of lack of knowledge, so give them the information they need to understand.  There was a time in our lives when I would send out a quarterly email to everyone on my daughter’s “support team.”  These were friends and family members who had agreed to take a special interest in helping my daughter achieve her goals.  In the newsletter, I would include information about her education, her accomplishments, her social activities, and any difficulties that we had confronted.  Another type of newsletter would be to simply update your extended family members about everyone in your family via email on a regular basis.  This works especially well if your siblings agree to do the same, creating a family tradition of sorts. Keep in mind that you should not write a list of demands on how to accommodate your child. If your child is a picky eater or if they have food restrictions, feed them before the event, and bring appropriate snacks.

5.     Prepare activities: Bring crafts, movies, and/or puzzles.  Toss a ball around outside. Electronics will tend to isolate your child; try to stick with an activity that can be shared with all the children at the same time.

6.     Alter questions: If your child has difficulty answering questions, particularly lengthy ones, reword them into choice questions.  For example, when Aunt Judy asks, “How is school?”, reframe her question into “Is your favorite class art or math?”.

7.     Share supervision: If you have a significant other, discuss ahead of time how you will share responsibilities for your child. What will happen if your child has a melt-down?  Who will take care of any disagreements among the cousins?  Who will make sure that the child has eaten foods within his diet plan?  Trouble brews when both spouses think that the other one is supervising.

8.     Review the rules of the house: Prepare your child by discussing the rules of the host’s house. Maybe Grandma doesn’t like grandchildren to touch her prized figurines or Aunt Shelby doesn’t let food in the family room.  This is also a good opportunity to talk about other people’s perspectives and viewpoints. 

9.     Preplan a break room: If your child needs quiet alone-time because of overstimulation, discuss a safe room with the host ahead of the holiday.  Allow your child to bring a favorite toy or blanket into the room, and make sure you check on him on a regular basis.  Obviously, this suggestion is age-dependent.

10.  Discuss social expectations ahead of time: What happens if they hate a gift or if they don’t like their dinner?  Review and roll-play the proper responses well in advance.   If your child tends to dominate the conversation talking about their specialty interests, roll-play conversations where she gives no more than 3 pieces of information at a time, allowing the conversational partner to contribute as well.

There is no way to guarantee that your child will have an easy time at a family gathering or that a family member won’t say something insensitive to you, but at least improve your chances that you will survive the holidays. And remember, leave before your child is worn out!

LeeAnne Fura, MS, CCC/SLP

Building Language Skills in the Kitchen this Thanksgiving

It is that time of year again when the chilly autumn air brings us inside our warm cozy homes. Thanksgiving is a time to express gratitude, count our blessings, and spend quality time with our family and friends. We gather around the table to share stories, reminisce, and most importantly, to eat delicious food! 

However, Thanksgiving day can be very hectic.  Being the mother of 5 children and one of 8  myself, I appreciate how crazy this holiday can be, especially for the kids. They want to help, but cooking a turkey and making stuffing is a little beyond their young capabilities. Why not get the kids involved in preparing some fun creative recipes that are easy to make, taste delicious and have the added bonus of improving our children’s language and cognitive skills? 

As children follow recipes, they learn to organize ingredients, follow a sequence and carry out multiple directions. They develop vocabulary, comprehension, reasoning and problem solving skills, all while they are having fun and helping with the Thanksgiving festivities! Encourage children to take turns talking, ask questions, make comments, and see who can come up with the best descriptive words to describe their masterpieces. 

Most importantly, enjoy being with your family and sharing in the delicious fun!

https://www.throughherlookingglass.com/peanut-butter-chocolate-acorns/

http://www.southernliving.com/food/thanksgiving-chocolate-pilgrim-hats-video?crlt.pid=camp.kS0oq6pEIK4t

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/306667055868964679/feedback/sender_id=306667193284697529

M.Theresa Wylie MS.,CCC/SLP

It’s Thanksgiving: Time for Gratitude

In our last blog, I wrote about being thankful.  While I am thankful for many people and experiences in my life, it is sometimes very difficult for clients to express their own gratitude.  Many tend to focus on material things or on negative aspects of their lives or they see positive situations in a negative light.  There are many benefits to helping them learn to recognize the positive things in their lives

Back in the spring, LeeAnne, Theresa and I attended a conference through Learning and the Brain that was called The Science of Positive Emotions, Gratitude, and School Success.  This three-day conference was one of the most up-lifting conferences we have ever attended.  Topics included brain-functioning, resilience, empathy, grit, gratitude, and dealing with stress.  One of the sessions, From Grateful Students to Great Schools: The Promise of Gratitude in Education was presented by Giacomo Bono, PhD.  Dr. Bono spoke about benefits of gratitude which included improved mental health, improved physical health, better social relationships, improved conduct and emotional regulation, and more hope.

As we learned throughout many sessions of that conference, the more people practice gratitude, the more ingrained it becomes.   Some activities that can help foster gratitude in our children include:

Ø Helping children to develop supportive, trusting relationships

Ø Helping children to recognize positive aspects of their lives

Ø Helping children to do realistic self-assessments recognizing both strengths and needs

Ø Helping children to recognize intentional actions that they and others have done to be kind to others

Ø Keeping a gratitude journal

Ø Writing letters or notes to express thanks to others

Ø Helping children be more aware of stating things in a positive manner

Ø Helping children to recognize negative situations they have dealt with and overcome

Ø Reading books that demonstrate people showing kindness to others and discussing the feelings that would result

Ø Helping children to demonstrate kindness to others

Ø Focusing on activities and time spent together rather than material things

In our waiting room for the month of November, we have a gratitude tree for our clients to cover with leaves that tell what they are grateful for.  We will also be gathering gently used toys, books, games, clothes, household items, etc. to donate to the Fund to Benefit Children and Youth. As a part of the donations, clients are given the opportunity to help put together treats for children who are less fortunate than themselves. In addition to helping our clients work on perspective-taking, following directions, sequencing, etc., they have the opportunity to show kindness to others while developing their own gratitude.   

For additional reading about developing gratitude, consider the book Making Grateful Kids: The Science of Character Building by Jeffrey J. Froh and Giacomo Bono.    

Carol Walck, MS, CCC/SLP